by Jake Christie

IN THE BEGINNING.
a story.

In the beginning there was only God, and He was pretty bored. So He created the Heaven and the Earth. Heaven was His digs – His man-cave, if you will – and Earth was a place to sort of hang out.

Truth be told, Earth was kind of boring and bland, so God split light and dark into day and night and earth and water into land and sea. He looked upon His work and saw that it was pretty sweet. He sprinkled some vegetation over here and some weather over there, just so things would look a bit more colorful in case He had a girl over.

He created dinosaurs and set them free on Earth so that He would have something to watch. Unfortunately the dinosaurs were only cute when they were really little, so He started over. He made more animals that were fuzzy and furry and let them loose.

But He was still bored.

So God created a dude with whom he could bro down. He created the dude from mud and breathed life into him, and named him Adam.

“What's up,” said Adam to God.

“What's up,” said God to Adam.

God and Adam spent a lot of time chilling and relaxing and chillaxing, but eventually Adam, being created in God's image, became bored. So he asked God to make him a companion, somebody who he could actually see and touch and who, if at all possible, had boobs.

So God created a woman and named her Eve. “How you doing?” asked Adam

Adam and Eve started dating and God felt a little left out. Whenever He wanted to bro down with Adam, Adam always seemed to have plans with Eve. Then Adam and Eve decided that they were going to move out of God's garden and get a place of their own. Adam tried to explain, but God just said, “Nah, man, nah. Don't even.”

And from then henceforth, God commanded: Bros before hos.


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