by Jake Christie

MY CONSTITUENTS.
a story.

– I have some questions about some recent votes you've cast that your constituents have voiced concerns about.

– Of course. I stand by my record and I'm sure my constituents know that I have their best interests in mind.

– First, you recently voted to pass a measure that would take money from schools in your constituency and give it to gun manufacturers. How do you respond to allegations that this will be detrimental to the young people whose interests you've been elected to represent?

– In these tough economic times, we all need to examine our priorities. We need to determine who is being damaged, who is being taken advantage of, and give them a way to defend themselves. My office recently funded a research project to determine who is being taken advantage of, and we discovered that it's the uneducated. That's why we need to give them guns. And with all these schools closing, we're going to need a lot more guns.

– Second, there's a budget proposal you voted for that will close a local hospital and give the money to a large pharmaceutical company in the form of “research grants.” Some of your constituents have said that you made this decision because of that company's contributions to your campaign. How do you respond?

– Well, I don't know what polls you're reading, but all of my data shows that my constituents are pleased with my decision. They feel that this hospital was an eyesore, and they were tired of being surrounded by sick people all the time. And while I did receive large donations from the company in question, I also received contributions from cigarette companies whose delicious and smooth products put thousands of people in hospitals every year. So there's no conflict of interests.

– But–

– Listen, I'm not here to argue. The fact is, I'm a public servant. My constituents know that everything I do is for them, not me.

– What about your recent move to have all the kittens in your district euthanized and replaced by puppies?

– Well, I'm allergic to cats.


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